So, you know me and my girlfriend go to a bunch of gyms in the city and we’ve had the opportunity to work out with some of the greatest trainers in NYC who I would consider found acquaintances and in some cases even ‘friends.’ And if you know me, I don’t use that word lightly. One of these trainers, who I would consider a friend, made a pretty BOLD pass at my girlfriend, which was surprising, but if you know dudes in the fitness industry it wasn’t totally off brand.  

I found myself having a lot of feelings about the situation. One – again, I would say him and I were boys so I’ll be honest it felt like a slap in the face…then I thought about my own personal history. About a few years ago I was locking in with my craft around the same time my brother died so I didn’t have the emotional capacity to let anyone in…sooo…I started only seeing people who were in a relationship (mostly open) because I didn’t want to be derailed. Flawed logic, but I was in pain and again – I really didn’t have the capacity for anything serious.

So when it came to my current predicament with this trainer, I was able to find some compassion. I remember how freakin’ miserable I was operating as number two or three on someone’s roster. There is a certain negative assumption you make about yourself and your worth when you feel you aren’t worthy of being loved.

But this understanding didn’t overshadow the fact that I was disrespected or that he made the person I’m seeing uncomfortable. And while I offered him my forgiveness, there are consequences so when I addressed the situation, I think it was clear if it happened again – I’m taking more than my forgiveness from him.

To his credit, he apologized to Em and I and assured me it wouldn’t happen again. So I let it go. The situation was resolved, and I felt comfortable moving on although now I know to see him through a different lens. I didn’t think about it much after that. But a few weeks pass and I’m chatting with someone after a training session – mind you, they have no idea about my situation, but they organically share a similar story with me. I don’t share my experience mostly because I’m not petty…well…I am writing this…but all I did in that moment was listen.

And what stuck with me, what I became hyper aware of, is how your vices can taint your virtue. Now, this is a really good trainer. One of the best in the city, like super passionate, motivating, the list goes on, but all that was overshadowed by this particular Achilles’ heel. It brought me back to my college years, because I won’t shit either. And I took the train that night thinking about the people I cared about who, deservingly, lost respect for me because of how I operated when it came to women.  

It was the middle of my sophomore year, I hit it off with this senior who I had a huge crush on. I found myself back at her place, and at this point I developed a little reputation for myself. There we were lying in her twin bed (Ah, College!) chatting. She was cold too, she told me straight up, “Look, I’m not having sex with you, but I had a great time tonight, so I just have one question.” Mind you, I was crazy about this person. She turned over so she could look me in the eye and asked “Are you a player?”

This brought me up short. It was a bad look. My conscious took over and I don’t remember what I said exactly but it was incoherent, and the general sentiment shared was: you should run. I didn’t think being with her was a happiness I deserved. So I spent the rest of the night with her in my arms, realizing that whatever could had been was over, and I never saw her again after leaving that apartment. Now, this could have been a wake-up call, but misery is a funny thing, and I continued spiraling until much much later in life.

 I thought about all this on my way home from the gym. It was eons ago for me now, but I think how hard it is to repair your reputation. I’m in my 30s now and I’m still earning goodwill back from some people. On a larger scale though, I’ve found that this isn’t necessarily uncommon, especially for attractive, talented men. I’ve heard similar stories in the fitness community, within social groups, on set, through social media, the news – it’s sort of engrained in our culture.

And for me, there is a recognition that men have to hold ourselves to a higher standard than the one set for our fathers. Now, for reasons listed above - I have no interest, nor the qualifications to lead this charge outside the example set in my own behavior, but I do think about my wake, and what am I going to leave behind. I believe details matter. If I make it to the panicle of where I want to go in my career, I’d still be a failure if people were like ‘gio is an amazing artist, impeccable work ethic, but…don’t get too involved - dude’s a dog.’

I think that’s why artist, at a certain point in their careers, really battle it out with their vices. For some people that’s getting sober, or exercising, eating right. For me it was identifying and healing lingering wounds, so I wasn’t leaving people with grenades and wondering why my life constantly felt like a battlefield.

So as I walk away from the situation the thing I feel most – more than the disrespect,  the anger from someone making Em uncomfortable, or the compassion – the thing I feel the most is grateful. Grateful that I am finally at peace with myself. Love yourself enough to duke it out with your demons because you’ll find the same roadblocks are preventing you from accomplishing your journey.